Main Man
I’m not Christian but I seriously believe there is a God or something similar to Him. He’s got to be cool, like someone with a good sense of humor and just plain charismatic. Like Morgan Freeman, who plays ‘God’ in the AllMighty movies. He has got to be extravagantly witty.
I decided to write him a letter:
God
316, Heavenly Lane,
Cloud Palace Golf Resort,
808088 Heaven.
Dear The All Mighty Dude Upstairs,
First of all let me start by saying thanks for getting my parents together so they could have me. I also thank You for the wonderful life that I have been given so far. I mean there are my ups and downs but I am not complaining. I know that I’m in a better situation than more people in the world.
Sometimes I wished You’d make thinks easier on most of us. Give us a clue on which road to take and which are the right choices to make. In light of this, I’ve actually browsed through Your website(www.dudeupstairs.com) and been through your catalogue(which I must say was a very neat layout) and would like to place an order for your latest book, “Your Right Choice” and also the very critically acclaim “How To Live for Dummies”. Just debit it from my account once You send the books. You should know my account number.
Also, I would like to take this opportunity to ask for Your forgiveness on my sins. Hopefully You’ll see it fit to lift some points deduction which would give me a far better chance of getting into Heaven. I promise never to litter anymore. I know You’re thinking about the smoking thingy but I do litter as much as I smoke. You should know, I’m sure Mother Nature has been complaining to You about me non-stop. My friend, Elaine Tan, the one that thinks she’s a copywriter, You should know her. She taught me today that all the cigarette butts I threw away in some drain would cause some chemical reaction to the butt and release some toxic poisonous substance and go all the way to the sea. So I’ll stop doing that too, “Always Bin Your Butt!”
Since we are at the topic of getting into Heaven, would there be a reply to me asking when exactly do you think I’ll ‘kick the bucket’? It doesn’t have to be an exact answer such as date and time but a little hint would be nice. Even how it happens. I know it’s a dodgy subject in Your book and a lot have failed trying. Still it would be nice if You could.
Also I would like to thank You for blessing me with the strength and courage to deal with other humans on Earth. I appreciate the fact that You have made us all equal and that You apparently love all Your children equally but I’m here to say from first hand experience You have got to think that through. Now what was going through your mind when you created them but I’m sure You have Your reasons. You can get back to me on that later. No biggie.
Anyway, I know You are a very busy man and I shall not take up any further of Your time. Just maybe You could give my grandfathers a little shout out and also to Your son, Jesus. Hope that You can get back to me on some of the questions and also not forgetting the books I’ve ordered. Thanks for caring.
Your Loved Child,
Ian
P.S. Do You think You can turn down the heat in this country a bit? It’s hot as a mother fucker in here.
I decided to write him a letter:
God
316, Heavenly Lane,
Cloud Palace Golf Resort,
808088 Heaven.
Dear The All Mighty Dude Upstairs,
First of all let me start by saying thanks for getting my parents together so they could have me. I also thank You for the wonderful life that I have been given so far. I mean there are my ups and downs but I am not complaining. I know that I’m in a better situation than more people in the world.
Sometimes I wished You’d make thinks easier on most of us. Give us a clue on which road to take and which are the right choices to make. In light of this, I’ve actually browsed through Your website(www.dudeupstairs.com) and been through your catalogue(which I must say was a very neat layout) and would like to place an order for your latest book, “Your Right Choice” and also the very critically acclaim “How To Live for Dummies”. Just debit it from my account once You send the books. You should know my account number.
Also, I would like to take this opportunity to ask for Your forgiveness on my sins. Hopefully You’ll see it fit to lift some points deduction which would give me a far better chance of getting into Heaven. I promise never to litter anymore. I know You’re thinking about the smoking thingy but I do litter as much as I smoke. You should know, I’m sure Mother Nature has been complaining to You about me non-stop. My friend, Elaine Tan, the one that thinks she’s a copywriter, You should know her. She taught me today that all the cigarette butts I threw away in some drain would cause some chemical reaction to the butt and release some toxic poisonous substance and go all the way to the sea. So I’ll stop doing that too, “Always Bin Your Butt!”
Since we are at the topic of getting into Heaven, would there be a reply to me asking when exactly do you think I’ll ‘kick the bucket’? It doesn’t have to be an exact answer such as date and time but a little hint would be nice. Even how it happens. I know it’s a dodgy subject in Your book and a lot have failed trying. Still it would be nice if You could.
Also I would like to thank You for blessing me with the strength and courage to deal with other humans on Earth. I appreciate the fact that You have made us all equal and that You apparently love all Your children equally but I’m here to say from first hand experience You have got to think that through. Now what was going through your mind when you created them but I’m sure You have Your reasons. You can get back to me on that later. No biggie.
Anyway, I know You are a very busy man and I shall not take up any further of Your time. Just maybe You could give my grandfathers a little shout out and also to Your son, Jesus. Hope that You can get back to me on some of the questions and also not forgetting the books I’ve ordered. Thanks for caring.
Your Loved Child,
Ian
P.S. Do You think You can turn down the heat in this country a bit? It’s hot as a mother fucker in here.
posted by ian at 12:08 AM
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